Straddling the Divide

A few weeks ago, a former colleague told me that she was envious of my life in Spain.

I was gobsmacked. What do you say?

How do you sound grateful and still acknowledge that life overseas isn't easy?

"Oh poor me! I have to work and live in Europe" doesn't garner much sympathy. Nor should it. 

I am grateful for my job. I've watched teachers from all over the United States walk out of the classroom in droves this past year to protest pay, insurance, and retirement. I'll never be wealthy as a teacher, but I am in a better financial situation here than I would ever be working my same job in any state in the U.S.

It's a lot more than just the money, of course. I am grateful that my youngest child has the unique experience of living over half of his life outside of the U.S.

A couple of months ago, this was my conversation with said child, who is a relatively intelligent human being:

Boy 2: Mom, what's this called? What do you call it?

Me: Um, that coin? That DIME? Seriously, it's a dime. Did you forget that?

Boy 2: Wow, I really thought this was a nickel.

He won't eat rice or potatoes, but I walked into the kitchen and caught him eating cold kimchee (Korean fermented cabbage) out of the jar. Kimchee isn't Spanish, of course---but eating it is a habit he picked up from his father, who spent a year living in South Korea. While eating out in town, he orders octopus legs or huge shrimp that he has to de-head first, and he doesn't flinch while walking past the legs of smoked ham in the grocery store, hoof still attached to the leg. He slurps mussels from the shell, has become a connoisseur of flan, and is up to trying almost anything, because he really has no concept of what a "typical" American meal consists of anymore.  

Pulpa a la plancha: grilled octopus

He's grown up with the ebb and flow of friends who are constantly saying goodbye (or "it's not goodbye; it's see you later!"). It does get old after a while. You know that most of your friends will be with you for three years, if you are lucky. 

My kids have missed out on having Sunday dinners with grandparents. They have missed weddings and funerals, reunions with cousins they haven't seen in years. They struggle to have a strong connection to place that most of their American friends will have in the U.S. 

American children abroad have many hardships that most people don't consider. It's even worse with military children who have a parent who is deployed. 

Not giving my child a "normal" American experience has its disadvantages when they are expected to move back to the U.S. at 18 years old and have a "normal" American college experience, and then move on to the workplace in the U.S.

So many kids who grow up overseas try their hardest to find jobs overseas because they are scared to go back.

Because the U.S. is a scary place, y'all.

I'm not talking the obvious, like gun violence and school shootings (and the lack of all of that here in Spain). 

I'm talking simple things. 

Like you can't just step out in a crosswalk in the U.S. without fear of someone running over you. Will my kids know this when they go back to the U.S.? It took me almost a year here to get over my crosswalk fear because I've had it ingrained that even though cars should stop, they usually don't. My greatest fear back in the U.S. is that one of my children will be run over trying to cross the street. 

Eating out often is expensive on many levels and considered for many a luxury in the U.S. Menus here are simple and food is fresh. There isn't just the food that is overpriced back in the U.S.; there are tips. It isn't common to tip in restaurants in Europe--you may feel the need to give the change from your bill, but it is not an obligation because isn't part of the culture and servers work for a salary and aren't dependent on tips. 

When they walk into a business or a doctor's office in the U.S., they won't need to make a big production out of saying "hi" and "good day!" to total strangers because Americans will think they are, well, odd. 

They will almost certainly have to own a car to get around in the U.S. Most towns aren't built so they will be able to walk to the grocery store, cafe, restaurants, markets, etc. They probably won't live in a place where they can solely depend upon walking, subways, city busses, and if all else fails, taxis to get them around. 

My kids don't watch American television and don't get a lot of cultural references. They have missed out on political and entertainment events that most people will take for granted that they know. 

There are little things, too. Religious holidays are NOT federal holidays in the U.S. At best, you will only get stared at, and at worst, you will be arrested if you go topless on a beach in America---in Spain wearing a bikini top is optional. They are so used to seeing it, my sons are not phased by it anymore. Depending on where they live when they go back, if they hang all their clothes out to dry, they may not be there when they get home. The drinking age is 21, not 18 (or is it 16? Depends on who you ask). Getting a driver's license is not expensive nor does it require jumping through a lot of hoops back in America. 

I also want my kids to feel like they've been given the gift of travel, because living in the U.S. means it is very difficult and expensive to do so. Most Europeans can name 4 states (New York, Texas, California, and Florida) and always ask me, "Where's that?" when I tell them I'm from Mississippi. (I tell people I grew up near New Orleans--everyone knows New Orleans, even if they don't have any idea what state it's in or where it's located). Here in Europe, traveling to different countries is like us traveling to different states. It's that easy and it's that cheap. Growing up in the U.S., I always thought international travel was difficult and expensive, and it was while living there. Here's the truth---it costs more to fly from Texas to Mississippi than it does from Spain to Paris. My kids will be limited in travel (especially the international variety) once they move back to the U.S. because of the expense.

And then there is also this, which is the toughest for me: it is really difficult to jump into a conversation in America and not talk about the many places we've been in Europe. Travel--and conversations about travel---are so much a part of our lives here with other Americans abroad. I love the day after a long school holiday because my students, most of whom are very middle-class kids, give details about seeing a memorial ceremony at the cemetery at Normandy, or climbing the Eiffel tower, or skiing in the Alps, or visiting Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross in London. It's human nature for travel lovers to share the amazing things we have experienced, but sometimes people in the U.S. don't understand that you are not being a braggart. Or many people simply don't enjoy traveling, which is hard for those of us who do to understand.  My kids will learn (like I have) that you just have to shut up when you want to jump into a conversation for fear of putting people off. Maybe after they experience polite nods and glazed eyes the first time, they will get it. 

I'm proud of my children who can balance between two cultures. My oldest chose to go to college in Spain, and I worry as much for him as I do his middle school aged brother about assimilation back into American culture. They are what socialists call "Third Culture Kids" (TCKs), children who grow up in a culture different from their own parents in a place not on the front of their passports. TCKs always tell people, "I'm from everywhere; I'm from nowhere." My children were born in the U.S., spent time on and off American bases overseas, have experienced friendships with people from all over the world, including people who don't speak English. 

They miss certain things about life back in the U.S., but they also have embraced this life, so much that I worry that they will feel rootless and never feel truly at home if and when they move back to the United States.  

My hope is they find their tribe: people who were raised by parents who were wanderers, whether it was for a job or by choice, people who know how to order food in multiple languages, those who have passports full of stamps, those who don't know Kardashian from Kurdistan. (Okay, maybe they will actually know some Kurds or have been there--most kids raised overseas are really good at world geography, too). You get the picture. I know those people are out there; I work with them and I married one. I hope they find home amongst the far-flung group of kids who have seen the world as part of their "normal" and are also trying to navigate life as an American in a home country that sometimes doesn't feel like home. 

Click here for our Cuban adventure (2012-2017)